Shit My Grandma Says

I love my grandma. She’s the best and totally crazy. She loves tequila, taco dip and playing cards. I love visiting her. I stayed with her this past weekend, and, immediately after I walked into the door, she told me to “get the blender out!” We made margaritas and taco dip – ate and drank all of it before like 3 p.m. Here are some of my favorite one-liners from my favorite 81 year old…

I talk to myself in German all the time and just think “how did they come up with this stupid sounding language.”

Germans are fat and greedy.

Hide the tequila. We don’t need nosy women yapping about my margarita consumption “problem”

Drinking dulls your brain.

What’s the tweeter and why do people care what we’re doing.

If you complain enough you’ll eventually get what you want.

I don’t read. I watch the tube. Reading is worthless. So is arithmetic.

I gave up chocolate for lent, but sometimes you just have to make a pan of brownies and eat the rest of the raw batter.

I don’t like SNL. Especially when they make fun of presidents. Don’t they have enough problems.

I prefer just pouring a glass of vodka and ice to going anywhere for happy hour.

Life is hard. Been there, done that.

“I won the first two games of cards! And now I can’t win” – Me. “The Early Bean Freezes!” – Grandma

Random screams in German while losing at cards.

Author: AwkwardVodka

Three Midwestern girls trying to adult, documenting their awkward encounters and providing expert life advice. You're welcome.

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