Camping Tips For The Girl Who Doesn’t Camp

Every summer I commit to going camping. I don’t camp. I don’t like bugs, no electricity, no showers/bathrooms and sleeping on the ground. So why do I always agree to go camping? I love drinking outdoors with my friends… but I would just prefer sleeping in my own bed or at a hotel instead of on the ground with the bugs. Gross.

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So if you end up submitting yourself to a weekend of outdoor “fun”, here are camping tips for the girl who doesn’t camp:

  • Alcohol. Just make sure that there’s lots of it and start drinking early in the day. This makes sleeping on the ground a lot easier.
  • Shower as late as possible before you leave. I’d rather stay dirty than shower in a campsite bathroom. If you’re leaving to go camping right after work, take a long lunch and go home and shower at noon.
  • Must-Pack Items: Hair ties, tooth brush, facial pads, sunscreen, bug spray (lots of it), swim suit, flashlight, toilet paper, towel. Tip: “forget” tennis shoes so it’s easy to sit out during physical activities.
  • Check the Weather & Pack Accordingly. If it’s supposed to be above 90, below 50 or storming, just bail.
  • Bring Water. Keep hydrated if you’re drinking all day outside in the heat.
  • If you’re tent is big enough, Use an Air Mattress. Doesn’t make sleeping on the ground completely better, but it helps.
  • Go With a Camp Fire Expert. If you have to be outdoors for large amounts of time like this, make sure someone can build a fire. A campfire is a nice way to trick yourself into thinking your warm and toasty inside your living room. Bonus, fire helps cook a lot of delicious food.
  • Pack Comfort Food. When you’re sitting drunk by the fire getting bitten up by bugs, chomping on your favorite bag of BBQ chips, goldfish or cookies will make you feel better about the current situation.
  • Forget about Looking Good. Don’t bring make-up or any nice clothing you wouldn’t want to get all smokey, sweaty and dirty. It’s just not worth it.
  • BRING S’MORES FIXIN’S. Nom.

Any tips you’d like to share with me so I survive camping weekends?

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Why We Deserve a Reality Show

I think that we deserve a reality show. Here’s why:

1. Jersey Shore has proved that people love watching others get drunk and do stupid things. Welcome to the majority of our nights.

2. Too many reality shows about people living on east coast or west coast. The mid-west isn’t represented well enough on TV.

3. We have a wide variety of interesting friends with drama-filled lives who will make hilarious guest appearances.

4. People apparently love shows about people who work in communications, media and public relations. See The Spin Crowd, Kell on Earth, The City, The Hills and, coming soon, the City Girl Diaries.

5. Don’t we have enough reality TV shows about extremely rich people? We’re relatable. Which is a nice way to say always broke.

6. We’ve all had experience on the stage – high school plays, dance recitals, 8th grade plays, band concerts – so we’d pretty much be at the same acting level as the majority of reality show stars.

7. Being judged and ridiculed is something we’re used to.*

8. We’re very interested in knowing what our friends say behind our backs. What better way to find out than by watching the show when it airs. Careful in the confessional, friends…

9. It would be a great excuse for us to hang out all the time, or live together, to get content for the show, a la Kardashian style.

10. Have you read our blog? We’re hilarious.

*We really hate being judged and ridiculed. But we are used to it. We were not born with thick skin.

Stay tuned for episode ideas.

Jimmy Fallon is the Best

He Coordinates the Best Reunions
I’m sure by now most of you have heard the amazing news that on Friday, Jimmy Fallon is resurrecting one of the best bands from our youth – Jesse and the Rippers from Full House. In addition to that amazing feat, a few years ago he reunited another classic band from the mid 90s – California Dreams. And it doesn’t stop there. In one of his most overwhelming undertakings, Jimmy Fallon attempted to reunite one of the best casts ever – Saved By The Bell. While he didn’t quite succeed, he did entertain millennials with getting the one and only Zack Morris as a guest star, reminding us of the best moments and characters of the series:

His Adorable Bromance with Justin Timberlake
Not only do Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake have the best comedic timing and chemistry when performing together*, but they are legit friends. That warms my heart. Remember when JT married Jessica Biel and broke millions of hearts? Well Jimmy was there (which first of all is adorable) and Justin claims Fallon heckled him during his wedding speech. Awwwww!
*Want proof of the amazing J+J duo? Real People, Fake Arms; Summer Camp; History of Rap; and many many more I won’t list here right now. Google it if you are interested.

Dude Can Sing
Some of Jimmy’s best skits are of him performing musically. To be honest, the ones that I find the most entertaining are when he doesn’t use words at all. Case and point: The Chickeneers and his lip sync battle with John Krasinski. But hands down, his all time best musical performance goes to:

He Breaks Character During Improv
I know, a lot of people can’t stand him and criticize him harshly for this very reason, but I find it endearing and hilarious. He finds himself and those around him amusing, so you can’t blame him for wanting to laugh during a skit once and a while. This characteristic has become his trademark so much so that his name is in the Wikipedia entry for “Breaking Character.” Maybe it’s just because I’m one of those people who laughs at my own jokes, but I love Jimmy Fallon for this.

How to Drink like a 21-Year-Old

A combination of my sister turning 21 and the fact that it’s summer, which means it’s always time for excessive drinking, have added up to making me act like a 21-year-old one too many times in the past couple weeks. Therefore, I have mastered how to drink like a 21-year-old:

Step #1: Be sure to have a variety of different alcohols to drink throughout the night. Pick up some cider, beer and wine. Don’t worry, we’ll get to the hard stuff later…

Step #2: Chug something before going out to the bars. Chug Anything. I usually choose something inappropriate like red wine. Bonus points if it spills all over you.

Step #3: After drinking all your beer & wine, it’s obviously time to go out in public and drink hard liquor. By this time, you’ll probably be stumbling around like a complete idiot.

Step #4: Once you’re drunk and should probably stop drinking, don’t. Start buying shots. Buy them for everyone. You don’t have any money in your bank account? Who cares!

Step #5: Dance. Dance anywhere whether or not it has a dance floor. And don’t stop dancing until 2 a.m. unless it’s to take shots.

Step #6: Find something delicious to eat like Mickey D’s or T. Bell and eat WAAAAY too much of it.

Step #7: Pass out.

Ugh. What a mess.

Seriously… don’t do this.

Tips for Bar Hopping in the Sweltering Heat

It’s almost 4th of July weekend which means excessive day drinking outside with family and friends in the sweltering heat. If you’re like me and can’t stand it outside when the temp is a degree over 80, follow these tips & tricks for surviving hot-weather drinking this weekend:

  • As much as I hate to say it, Rule #1 is Drink Water! Have at least a couple glasses of water while you’re drinking in 80-plus degree temps.
  • Stock your purse: Bobby pins, hair ties, a headband and/or a little bottle of hair spray. Humidity = Huge Hair. Be prepared to tame it a couple times throughout the day or night.
  • Dress appropriately. Wear shorts, tanks, sundress or a skirt. Avoid layers! None of those white tank top, undershirts. Also, make sure whatever you wear is sweat-proof. You don’t want gross sweat stains ruining your buzz.
  • Sweating happens, but it doesn’t have to ruin your make-up. Here some hot weather make-up tips: Use a Primer to help hold the make-up on your face; Don’t use dark eye make-up; Use waterproof mascara; and Bring powder with to the bar to dab on your face throughout the evening.
  • Just like our cold-weather bar hopping rule, make sure you have a cab driver’s personal cell number so you’re not stuck out in the heat waiting to catch a ride.
  • Take air conditioning breaks. Stop in a restaurant, bathroom, strip mall, a stranger’s car, for 10 minutes to cool down. The nice little break will have you feeling refreshed and ready to continue drinking.
  • Accessorize with cute sunglasses and hats. This rule almost exclusively applies to day drinking unless you’re really drunk or a tool.

Any rules we missed for hot-weather bar hopping?

How to Cope with a Quarter-Life Crisis

My fave website, Buzzfeed, posted an article last week that I couldn’t help but click on: 10 Signs You’re Having Your Quarter Life Crisis.

Guess what? Turns out we’re all having a bit of a quarter life crisis. Who doesn’t dream about doing something crazy or get terrified about the idea of making a budget? But no worries. You’re gurlfriends here at Awkward Vodka have got you covered. Here are some ways to cope with a quarter life crisis:

  1. Everyone has a hot mess friend. Call her up for happy hour and just listen. It’ll make you feel better about your life.
  2. Take a personal day. Sometimes you just need to clean up, do laundry, go grocery shopping and just get shit done to make your life feel more put together.
  3. Get multiple ear piercings if you want to do something youthful, but are too scared to get a facial piercing.
  4. If you hate Sundays, just drink the day away. It’ll still feel like the weekend, and you’ll be too busy trying to find a place that has karaoke on a Sunday night than thinking about going to work the next day.
  5. Make up a business you plan on starting with a friend in the next couple of years. It might never happen, but it’s something to day dream about. Yes – Ray & I will have a salon full with a wedding planning, catering and photography business some day.
  6. Go get a new hair style – something drastic like bangs.
  7. Drink on weeknights. Make Wednesday the new Thursday, Thursday the new Friday and always Sunday Funday.
  8. Do something really grown up like go to a wine tasting or cooking class. You can feel like a grown up and still get a little bit tipsy!
  9. Try something new – it doesn’t have to be grown up, just new. It’ll help pull yourself out of a boring routine.
  10. Know that it’ll pass. You won’t have a quarter-life crisis forever. I’ve heard that the best time of your life is really in your 30’s… so embrace that thought!

Some of these ideas are healthier than others, but all of them will successfully rid you of your quarter life crisis.

Good luck, friends!