March 2013 – awkward vodka

Why Wedding Showers are the Worst

I will never understand the concept of a wedding shower. You have an engagement party, you have a bachelorette party, you have the actual wedding – why must you throw another event in there? It’s just one more thing we have to buy a present for (or in my case, fork out cash because I’m classy and too lazy to look at the registry).

Basically it is a few hours out of your day that are spent awkwardly – and for the most part sober – with “grown-up” ladies we may or may not know. No one wants that. And you know what else no one wants? The “who’s next?” conversation that will inevitably come up. Yes, I know I’m single. Yes, I know my younger cousins/friends/sisters are closer to marriage than me. Yes I know it’s about time I settle down. Please, continue to remind me of all these things. And the worst part? I’m fine being single and 25. But try explaining that to the bride’s grandma…

And the games. Oh the games. Must we really force a group of acquaintances together to play awkward games, like making wedding dresses out of toilet paper, or answering questions like “what was the couple’s third date?” Let’s just skip that part and move straight to cake.

Which brings me to the only redeeming quality bridal showers have – the free delicious snacks and desserts. Unless it’s a potluck, then you’re screwed.

Happy wedding season!

25

By: Me. A 25-year-old.

It feels like a perfect night to dress up in sweatpants
Drink too much wine and send stupid texts, ah ah, ah ah.
It feels like a perfect night for a Taco Bell at midnight
Go to the bar and annoy strangers, ah ah, ah ah.

Yeah,
We’re drunk, broke, tired and wired at the same time
It’s hilarious and a little pathetic, oh, yeah
Tonight’s the night when we forget, well, everything…
It’s time.

Uh oh!
I don’t know about you
But I’m feeling 25
Everything will be alright
But I don’t know if I’ll survive
You don’t know about me
But I’ll tell you even if you don’t want to
Everything will be alright
If we just keep dancing like we’re
25
25

It seems like one of those nights,
This place is too crowded.
Too many young kids, ah ah, ah ah
It seems like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene and end up drinking
Too much before midnight.

Yeah,
We’re drunk, broke, tired and wired at the same time
It’s hilarious and a little pathetic, oh, yeah
Tonight’s the night when we forget about our age
It’s time

Uh oh!
I don’t know about you
But I’m feeling 25
Everything will be alright
But I don’t know if I’ll survive
You don’t know about me
But I’ll bet you want to
Everything will be alright (alright)
If we just keep dancing like we’re
25
25
I don’t know about you
25
25

It feels like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene.
It feels like one of those nights,
We will be sleeping.
It feels like one of those nights,
You look like bad news,
Tequila, I gotta have you,
Jager or Vodka, too.

Oh oh yeah hey!
I don’t know about you
But I’m feeling 25
Everything will be alright
But I don’t know if I’ll survive
You don’t know about me
But I’ll tell you even if you don’t want to
Everything will be alright
If we just keep dancing like we’re
25
25
25, yeah, yeah
25, yeah, yeah, yeah

Spring Bucket List

Ok – I don’t know if it’s just me, but winter is really cramping my style this year. I feel like I’m in a funk because of this cold, shitty weather. To get out of the funk and celebrate the first day of spring, I am writing a Springtime bucket list…

1. Plan a trip – I have to get out of Minnesota. I don’t care if the trip isn’t until this fall, I need to have a trip to look forward to this year.

2. Finish my Apartment – I have lived in an apartment since October that still has boxes laying around and framed photos on the floor waiting to be hung up. The apartment has to be completely put together this spring.

3. Enjoy an Outdoor Concert – So this is cheating because I already have tickets to see Kenny Chesney & Eric Church at Miller Park, but I still think it’s a good bucket list item.

4. Finish All My Scrapbooks – Apparently I’m 80 years old and I love to scrapbook. I have about 4 scrapbooks that are missing 2-3 pages. These need to be finished by summer.

5. Plant an Herb Garden – I have a porch! And I love herbs. So I want to plant an herb garden. Duh.

6. Participate in One Sunday-Funday Beach Day – My favorite part of college was going to Lake Calhoun in the summer on Sunday and just drinking and playing games. I’ve missed that! So – if weather permits – this needs to happen.

7. Go See a Drive-In Movie – I’ve always wanted to go to a drive-in movie. This could be my year, guys.

8. Host a Dinner Party – I love to cook. I cook for my friends all the time, but sometimes it’s fun to get fancy.

9. Go on a Day Long Bike Trip – I’ve been going to cycling class fairly regularly for the past six months. Hopefully I’ll be ready for a day long bike trip by the time it’s nicer outside!

10. Run a 5k – I know. I know. It sounds really lame, but I hate to run. I’ve done three 5ks, but always had to walk after like two miles. Before summer, I will run all 3.1 miles!

First day of summer is June 21, so check back with me at that time…

The Men of March Madness

With tournament time just a few days away we thought it would be appropriate to provide you with some of the eye candy you should look out for this March Madness season:

Luke Hancock (Louisville)

Trey McKinney Jones (Miami)

Steven Pledger (Oklahoma)

Aaron Craft (Ohio State)

Jamaal Franklin (San Diego State)

Katin Reinhardt (UNLV)

Rodney Williams (Minnesota)

Rob Loe (St. Louis)

David Hinton (VCU)

Keith Appling (Michigan State)

Justin Cobbs (Cal)

Stupid S#*t You Do When You Drink All Weekend

You order shots at happy hour (and then drunkenly blog about it)

You make Subway employees hate their job, and you

You play Buck Hunter. A lot.

You perform a taste-test between the Nacho Cheese and Cooler Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos

You call everyone and their mother in your phone until one finally answers

You force temporary tattoos on people’s faces at the bar

You take several Irish Car Bombs

You Instagram. A lot.

You play 4-player games of darts with one other person

You set up personal training sessions

You attempt to make meringue cookies at 1 a.m. and fail terribly

You show up to a 10 a.m. coffee meeting still drunk with face tattoos

You dance. A lot.

You have heart-to-hearts with anyone who will listen

You take over $100 out of your bank account at the bar ATM and have no idea what you spent it on

You cry at the bar for no reason

You ruin your “diet” by eating hungover food like french fries, onion rings, burgers and chicken tenders

You offer to pay a $60 cab fare because all you want to do is be in bed after drinking for 12 hours straight

You wake up, feel hungover but power through and keep drinking

Conquistadors

Do this right now….

No matter where you are, order a shot: half goldschlager and half tequila. I promise you won’t be sorry.

8 Reasons St. Patrick’s Day is Awesome

Growing up, my mom made St. Patrick’s Day a big deal in our house. Even though we aren’t one drop Irish she went all out – forcing us to eat corned beef and cabbage, making us green 7up and giving us little gifts. So you can see why I grew up loving this holiday. Here are my top eight reasons why St Patty’s Day is one of the best days of the year.

The Color Green – There are infinite shades of green so this color looks good on everyone. And for someone with red hair like me, all of the shades look amazing.

Shamrock Shakes – This glorious snack is only available during the St Patty’s day season and I will never understand why. EVERYONE LOVES THEM. And if you don’t love them, you’re crazy. Maybe it’s the limited availability, the minty goodness or that it gives you an excuse to go to McDonald’s every week – for whatever reason, Shamrock Shakes rock and you can’t argue with that.

Nail Decals – Shamrocks are probably the cutest shape ever. And you know what makes them cuter? When they are mini and on your nails, obviously.

Food – Potatoes are one of my favorite foods and nothing is more Irish than a potato (besides cabbage maybe, which is just gross). You can use this holiday as an excuse to eat potatoes all day. Baked potatoes, breakfast potatoes, green mashed potatoes…the list goes on and on.

Green Beer – Enough said.

Themed Socks – Step in to any general store and you are bound to find dozens of shamrock printed socks in all sorts of patterns. My mom is a huge fan of St Patrick’s Day socks, so you can bet I get a new pair every year – and for that I will be forever grateful.

Face Tattoos – See explanation for “nail decals.”

PARTIES – Every Irish wannabe uses St Patrick’s Day as an excuse to start drinking at 9 a.m. and not come home until the wee hours of the morning. Need I say more on why this is the best day ever?

And here’s my obligatory warning – stay safe this weekend, kids. Don’t drive drunk. Don’t get roofied. And don’t do a power hour with one other person in the corner halfway through day drinking, or you’ll end up like this hot mess below:

#FirstWorldProblems

I have a lot of grievances right now. They are as follows…

I don’t want to work out today.

My oranges have been really hard to peel lately.

I forgot my lunch at home and don’t know where to go and get lunch – order Jimmy Johns again or walk across the street and get soup. It’s so cold outside, but I just had Jimmy Johns last week…

I need to get an oil change. I don’t want to take the time or spend the $20 to get one.

My to-do list is too long.

I don’t have time to go shopping for new clothes. Or just random crap from Target.

My legs are sore from step class.

There is snow on the ground. I even like snow, but it’s too much. I’d like spring please.

I don’t have a Vodka Diet in front of me right now.

It’s only Wednesday.

All my clothes broke my closet. The pole that holds up my clothes fell down, and I haven’t taken the time to fix it. Let’s be honest – I probably won’t until right before I move out – a year or two from now.

I haven’t been to yogurt lab in a month.

There has been a super cute dress sitting in my closet for a month, but it’s too cold to wear it right now.

I don’t have time to catch up on all my TV shows.

My favorite boots are ripping at the bottom. Stupid, cheap Target boots.

There is a rumor that the dumbass Vikings are going to pick up one of my favorite Packers – Greg Jennings. He carries our team on his back.

Pretty Little Liars and The Lying Game were both stupid last night.

My office is cold, and I forgot my sweater.

Day drinking this weekend in celebration of my Irish heritage is going to cost me money and probably make me hungover.

My contacts hurt my eyes.

I still feel guilty about eating too much last weekend.

I need to be invited to an event where it’s appropriate to wear Jennifer Lawrence’s Oscars dress.

My favorite jeans are ripping.

Shit My Grandma Says

I love my grandma. She’s the best and totally crazy. She loves tequila, taco dip and playing cards. I love visiting her. I stayed with her this past weekend, and, immediately after I walked into the door, she told me to “get the blender out!” We made margaritas and taco dip – ate and drank all of it before like 3 p.m. Here are some of my favorite one-liners from my favorite 81 year old…

I talk to myself in German all the time and just think “how did they come up with this stupid sounding language.”

Germans are fat and greedy.

Hide the tequila. We don’t need nosy women yapping about my margarita consumption “problem”

Drinking dulls your brain.

What’s the tweeter and why do people care what we’re doing.

If you complain enough you’ll eventually get what you want.

I don’t read. I watch the tube. Reading is worthless. So is arithmetic.

I gave up chocolate for lent, but sometimes you just have to make a pan of brownies and eat the rest of the raw batter.

I don’t like SNL. Especially when they make fun of presidents. Don’t they have enough problems.

I prefer just pouring a glass of vodka and ice to going anywhere for happy hour.

Life is hard. Been there, done that.

“I won the first two games of cards! And now I can’t win” – Me. “The Early Bean Freezes!” – Grandma

Random screams in German while losing at cards.

Ring of Fire

The game I love, but everyone else seems to hate: Ring of Fire, Kings Cup, whatever you want to call it…

Easy to play! Take a cup, put it in the middle of the tables and spread cards around the outside of it. Then each person picks a card, counter-clockwise around the table. Here is what each card means:

2 – You

3 – Me

4- Whores

5 – 5-Fingers or I never

6 – Dicks

7 – Heaven

8 – Pick a Date and they have to drink with you every time you drink until the next 8 is pulled

9 – Rhyme

10 – Categories

Jack – Make your own rule

Queen – Question Master

King – Kings Cup: pour some of your drink in to the cup in the middle. The last person to pull a king has to drink the entire cup.

Ace – Waterfall: everyone starts drinking at the same time and stops one at a time, starting with the person who picked the ace.

This game is so fun. If you’re playing with a lot of people, add another deck!

What’s your favorite drinking game?