Things I Pretend to be Good At

golfing

1. Golfing

I used to take lessons but the truth is I’m awful. But what better way to get boys to like you than saying you’re good at playing golf? I’m sold.

2. U.S. History

Industrial Revolution? Of course I know when that started and why it affected so many Americans…

3. MLB stats

I’m constantly trying to beat my brother in “who knows more about major league baseball.” I’m confident in my claims which wins me a fight here and there – but in truth, I’m always making it up.

4. Singing

I love to critique The Voice contestants like I know what I’m talking about or that I could be any better – when in reality, I’m not even close.

5. Being a “foodie”

I like to sound smart and cultured by telling people how much I love foie gras and ceviche, but the truth is I hate it. Actually, the real truth is I’ve never tried those kinds of foods before. I just like people to think I have.

6. Hairstyling

I swear in a second life I was a cosmetologist. I LOVE doing hair, makeup, nails, etc. and I especially love doing those things on other people. So of course I’m going to talk myself up and convince my friends to leave their physical appearances in my un-trained hands.

7. Weigh lifting

I think it’s really cool when people can life a lot of weight. So I like to brag and say I can bench 70 lbs. Easy.

8. Painting nails

Often times I offer to paint people’s nails because I love it and find it oddly therapeutic. However, I am awful at it. Especially when I’m drunk. But you know what? I could care less how other people’s nails look, so I lie and say I’m good at it.

9. Artsy movies

I watched Blue Valentine and that’s about as far as my indie movie repertoire extends. But I would never really let anyone know that…

10. Politics

Who really knows what Joe Biden does every day? No one. How about Condoleeza Rice? I can’t even spell her name. And is she still part of the president’s cabinet thing? I love gays and that’s about all I know about politics.

The Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

I will never understand why single girls dread Valentine’s Day. I love it. Pink and sparkly are two of the best things in life, and that’s what this day is basically all about. You have an excuse to dress girly, eat candy and drink a lot of booze – boyfriend or not. How can you hate that? So here’s my single girl’s guide to enjoying Valentine’s Day, Ray Ray style.

Wear a cute (or cheesy) outfit. Today you can girl-it-up and no one can make fun of you for it. Seriously, go all out. Wear pink, red, sequins, hearts…all of the above… Really, anything your girly heart desires is fair game on this holiday.

Heart tights

Own the fact you’re single. A shirt like this says it all:

Vodka is my valentine

Two words – Nail Polish. Take the time to do your nails special for the day. It’s a surefire way to wake up happy when your hands look like this:

Pink Nails

Eat an obscene amount of Conversation Hearts. This is the only time of year you can buy the best candy ever made. So enjoy it and have two boxes. Or give them to me. Either way.

Conversation Hearts

Accessorize. What better day than Valentine’s Day to carry this around with you everywhere you go?

Pink Flask

Drink pink champagne. You never need an excuse to pop bottles and for Valentine’s Day you are kind of obligated to do so – so this one is obvious. Grab a fancy glass and let loose.

pink champage

Make heart-shaped food. Valentine’s Day is a perfect reason to make yourself themed food, which will in turn make you happy. Put together a special lunch, breakfast or dinner (or go crazy and do all three) with heart-shaped and red/pink-colored foods. How can you not have fun with a lunch that looks like this!

Heart Shaped Lunch

So if you are one of those single girls still sippin on a big glass of Valentine’s Day haterade, trust me – the holiday doesn’t have to be miserable. Take some of these notes and you will spend the day looking through rose-tinted glasses. Literally. See what I did there? Hahaha…

7 Beauty Tips for Slackers

1. Keep your tweezers in the car and pluck in the parking lot, or when safely stopped at a stoplight. Ever looked at your eyebrows in the rear-view mirror – EEK! Save time in the morning by plucking in the car on the way to work. Plus, the natural light helps so you don’t miss some of those pesky strays.

2. Use L’Oreal BB Cream. It is a moisturizer (with SPF), primer and foundation all rolled into one. You can apply it same as you would moisturizer and it evens out your skin tone almost perfectly. Set it with a little powder and you’re done. Best part? It lasts all day, even with oily skin!

3. Dry shampoo could save your life. Or use baby powder if you’re cheap like me. Sprinkle a little bit in your hair, tease it with a comb and you may fool some people into thinking you actually showered.

4. If you have a gross zit, try tooth paste overnight. It works (sometimes).

5. If you’re running late in the morning, bloated or hungover and just want to wear a t-shirt and jeans to work, throw on a cute scarf, earrings and nice flats. It’ll make you look like you actually tried.

6. If you don’t have time to shower, pin back those bangs. I’ve gotten compliment before while wearing my hair like this – like people actually think that’s what I wanted to do to my hair…

7. Pre-game heavily before you go out at night. I find that getting ready while buzzed gives you a steady hand to apply eyeliner and leads to overconfidence. Super easy to do your hair and make-up if you already think you look good.

Note: If this ends up having the opposite effect and you cry because you hate everything in your closet as well as your face – just go to bed and do NOT leave the house. I promise you won’t regret it.